Fake Sapphires
by LoxieBoxie
Summary: There was a very good reason Severus Snape did not go to parties. Slash. AU. Crack. Answer to TGP's Harry Potter Challenge.


Disclaimer: I do _not_ own the Harry Potter series. Thank _God._

AN: Written solely for the purpose of TGP's Harry Potter challenge, which can be found in his profile.

I may have had fun writing this. Except for the fact that it goes against almost every bone in my body because I _just got finished_ updating my profile with the explanation 'I'm not interested in writing fanfic'. Guh. Aaanyway. I don't agree with any of the pairings here. It is obviously somewhat AU as there are certain people in this that are still alive and certain situations that are different and completely out of the blue. We'll pretend that there was no war, yeah? Yeah. Sounds great. Obvious crack. I hope TGP is happy.

*****

Severus had absolutely no idea _why_ he had willingly submitted himself to attending this..._function_ (If one could call it that, seeing as how so far it was rather _non-functional_), but he had a good reason to believe it had something to do with the man sitting _much too innocently_ at his side.

Honestly, Remus had absolutely no idea _why_ Severus was pretending to be so perturbed about the entire matter. The man needed to get out more and stop brooding; and holidays with the Weasley brood and associated company was exactly the kind of fixer-upper the doctor ordered.

...If doctor's orders involved that sort of thing, anyway. Remus was sorry to say that he'd been spending too much time in the wizarding community if even simple muggle phrases like that were starting to become lost on him.

The fact of the matter, though, was that there was no reason that Severus should be as grumpy. He understood that the man had a certain reputation to uphold and that him being _nice_ was probably asking for too much but what reason could he have to be so _rude_?

If Severus knew of his partner's thoughts, he likely would have sunk lower in his seat and proceeded to brood even harder, just out of spite. As it were, though, Remus' thoughts were thankfully free from his lover's scrutiny and therefore he did not have to deal with the man acting like a _child._

Deciding that he'd have better luck giving up on getting the ex-Slytherin to socialize, Remus slipped away to go and start a conversation with Harry, who appeared to be having a bit of trouble with Albus Severus, James Sirius, _and _Lily Luna. Ginny appeared to be rather wrapped up in a conversation with Hermione and both women were cooing over baby Rose.

The greasy-haired potions master glanced up and watched his one pillar of support in all this madness walk away from him, and couldn't help but imagine a dead weight of dread sink to the bottom of his stomach. He was going to be brutalized in this hellhole – and not even Remus was going to be able to recognize him after this.

He was startled out of his dark premonitions when he glanced towards his feet and met the unyielding, unblinking stare of four-year-old Lily Luna Potter (When she had gotten away from Harry no one could quite figure out, but it hadn't taken her long, had it?). Were this any other man he might have crumbled under her crushing (adorable), wide-eyed stare and offered her a sickle or some other nonsensical drivel of the sort. But Severus Snape was _not_ any other man and he would not be cowed by a _Weasley-Potter_ of all things. He was not weak. Giving the girl his best (worst) sneer, Severus continued to glare the girl down, waiting for the moment she would crack and he could claim his victory.

"Potter." He menacingly murmured. Said Potter only blinked and tilted her head, showing off the pretty pigtails her mommy had lovingly secured with green ribbons, that morning.

"Hi." The little redhead chirped in response. Good. The conversation was over. She could leave now.

Except she wasn't _leaving_, was she? Oh no, the brat-child apparently thought she had a chance of winning this. Severus was quite used to shattering the dreams of small children. It was, he had to admit, one of the many things he was quite adept at doing.

Remus might not have agreed with that, but Remus was off somewhere else and for Merlin's sakes he had the good sense not to say something like that in front of a _child_, thank-you-very-much. Honestly.

Lily quite suddenly tilted her head the other way, smiling shyly at the older man. "M'name's Lil-lee Loo-nuh." She introduced. Severus was not impressed. She would have to do much more than that to get him to crack. "S'yours?"

"...Severus." Good. Voice was still flat, monotonous, should be completely uncharming to a small child. Wasn't she bored yet? Better yet, where were her brothers? Shouldn't she be playing with them?

For her part, Lily was quite confused. What a strange man! He had a terribly silly name for a boy, didn't he? Couldn't even pronounce it right, the poor bloke. Oh well. Not everyone could be as smart as her mommy and daddy said she was. Ooh, was that Uncle Gred and Forge!? Quite distracted by the arrival of her favorite uncles, Lily giggle and started to toddle away, waving a quick goodbye to her new friend.

"Kay. Buh-bye, mistuh Saf-fires." Most men would have thought her inability to pronounce his name adorable. Severus found it downright insulting and, were she only in Hogwarts already, he'd have docked points off of her house. He would have to remember it for when she finally began attending.

"Severus...?" He turned his gaze to see Remus standing there, a drink in each hand, looking generally confused. Oh, decided to come back to him, had he? Well. He had survived well enough on his own without the werewolf there and he could continue to do so. ...Though, he _had_, apparently, already finished his own drink (when had that happened?) and he supposed if Remus were trying to make an offering of peace he could be the bigger man and accept it.

Unfortunately, that did not seem to be the reason Remus had called his name, because as soon as he had the Potions Master's attention, he glanced a hesitant glance to Lily, and then back to Severus. "...Why did Lily just call you Sapphire?"

Severus scowled.

*****

Elsewhere in the Potter household, conniving snickers could be heard from the currently abandoned kitchen. Two little boys, neither of whom could possibly be older than ten at the _most_, were ferreting around in cabinets they had no business ferreting around in.

"...I don't know about this, Albus..." One of the little boys whispered, fearfully watching the kitchen door as though he expected Frankenstein's wife herself to bust through at any minute. The elder boy rolled his eyes and backed out of the cabinet to raise an eyebrow at his little brother.

"...Don't be a wuss, James-y. I bet even Lily's got more balls than you. C'mon, you're named after two _amazing_ pranksters – you don't want to shame their names, right?" James hesitated before shaking his head 'no'. Albus grinned in triumph, before reaching back into the cabinet and at last pulling out the vile he'd been looking for.

He really didn't know _why_ his mother had such a potion, and he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to, but he knew a great prank when he saw one and this had to be right on up there with the legendary Hogwarts' swamp Gred and For- er, Fred and George had told them about. Unfortunately, there wasn't going to be enough for _all _the party guests – the vile was only half-full, and small at that.

But a few victims were better than none. He shrugged, and passed it to his brother, who looked at it quizzically.

"Go put it into a few glasses, alright? And hurry up, they'll be coming in to get their food soon and you don't want to get caught. Don't be choosy." With that, he left his little brother to the dirty work for him.

At least he'd have a funny story to tell Scorpius when this _boring_ party was over.

*****

Arthur Weasley gathered his wife and friends around him as he rubbed his hands together, quite excited about showing off his new toy. A television! With cable and everything! It had taken quite a bit of maneuvering to be able to clear it with the Ministry, but they'd eventually agreed so long as he didn't work any magic on the thing other than to make sure it worked.

Molly huffed, slightly, rolled her eyes and decided she'd have a much better time with her grand-babies. Arthur would not be deterred by his wife's lack of enthusiasm, though, oh no! His buddies gathered around in excitement as he turned it on and they set to watching it. Arthur used the...button-clicker thing-y to scroll through the channels, wondering what to settle on to properly impress the gathered crowd.

"Y'know, dinnit I 'ear sumthin' bout Barty Crouch Jr and Tom Riddle goin' inta tha muggle actin' business?" One of the group spoke up, and Arthur listened curiously.

"Oh yes, I _heard_ about that! Barty Crouch _Sr_ was _furious_ about it, you know. There's rumors he's disowned him. Now that I think on it, though, I remember someone telling me they were in a show together....Doctor What? ...Um, Professor Why? I don't quite remember what it was called, but maybe we could find it?" Arthur was more than happy to comply, pressing the button on the button-clicky thingy that made the stories change.

It took quite a while, and quite a bit of messing around with his television, but they eventually found the show they were looking for (which, were they muggles, they would have known how miraculous that _really_ was) and settled into watching it and commenting almost immediately. Barty Jr appeared to be playing some sort of Doctor that couldn't remember what his name was and had the _strangest_ wand anyone had ever scene and Tom appeared to be playing some sort of estate owner who also couldn't remember his name as he just went by the Master.

"...Those two have always been a little strange." A witch murmured, after they had given up trying to solve the mystery of what was going on in this strange little box of theirs. "I heard they were together though." Arthur's eyes widened as, on the screen, Tom was shot by the blonde woman who was his wife.

"Oh how terrible! I hope that rumor wasn't true, Agnes, otherwise, _poor_ Barty. He'll be needing people to comfort him." Another witch cooed, wiping at her eyes with a hanky.

"Oh my dear, naïve Alice, I'm afraid it _was_ true." Agnes murmured, patting the girl on the shoulder. "Why else would that dreadful woman have shot Tom? She'd obviously found out about their relationship and was so wrought with jealousy that it drove her insane. We'll have to be sending Barty some condolence gifts, methinks. Just look at how distraught he is." There was a murmur of agreement through the crowd, and feeling quite downtrodden now at what they'd just witnessed; Arthur decided it was time to turn off the toys for now and get back to the festivities.

Poor Barty, though. Perhaps Molly could be convinced to back the poor man a fruitcake.

*****

Severus sighed, slumped into the couch just about as far as he could go, willing time to pass by faster. It wasn't working, unfortunately. He was contemplating just dozing off so that the party would pass by even faster when he realized that he was being watched. He glanced up just in time for Potter (the elder male Potter, this time, Harry) to hold out a drink to him in companionship. Severus hesitated, then decided that if Harry could give one of his progeny his name then he could very well take a proffered drink.

"Alright, Severus?" The boy-turned-man asked, apparently not at all put off about the fact that Severus had tormented him in school and was now seeing his mentor. He thought of a proper response to this question, as he raised the glass to his lips and took a drink.

Immediately, he made a face, sitting up a little straighter and peering into the glass he'd just drank out of, wondering what the horrid, acrid taste on his tongue was and why it seemed so horribly familiar. Obviously a potion of some sort, and obviously one Potter did not know about, considering he was looking at him in concern and observing his own drink warily.

It was, while observing Potter, that he realized what potion it was. This was probably mostly because Potter, quite suddenly, had breasts, wide hips, long eyelashes and full lips. Potter usually did not possess these traits and Severus was _quite _sure he had not had _that_ much to drink.

Which, of course, left one conclusion to him. He sighed, and, resigned, glanced down at himself. Breasts, slim waist, wide hips, long legs, his hair was suddenly silky and shiny and soft and his face was sharper. Hm. Severus did not remember being a woman. Nor did he remember making the _choice_ to be a woman.

Lily giggled and clapped, finally understanding why the strange man had such a girl-y name. He'd been a girl all this time and just hiding it! What a fun costume! She wanted to dress up like a boy for Halloween, now!

He could have caused a big deal about it, really, like Harry was doing, fuming at his sons who had guilty written all over their hysterical faces, or he could have been waving his arms and joking about it like Fred and George who were -also- victims, or he could have dropped his glass and shrieked at the top of his lungs like Ginny did (that dress _really_ didn't suit her, right now. Perhaps her and her husband could swap clothes). But no. Severus had more dignity than that.

He stood up. Calmly. Dangerously. (Good god this suit jacket was restraining, suddenly). Searched out Remus with his eyes, who had stood up as soon as everything had happened and was now staring at Severus agape with shock and, probably, lust. But Severus did not care. He wanted to leave. Now. They were _leaving._

Luckily, Remus seemed to pick up on this because he murmured a polite, if hasty, goodbye to Ginny, who was still standing next to him in shock, and hurried over to Severus's side.

This entire group was lucky that Severus was aware of the fact that this potion wore off quick enough on it's own, otherwise he might not have been so dignified. As soon as they were out of the house, he cast a glance at his silent werewolf, who was casting glances between the sidewalk and himself. For the love of Merlin.

"We are not doing this again. Ever." He was sure to enunciate this, staring straight ahead.

"Now, Severus..." No, he was _not_ going to be placated over this matter.

"No."

"Seve -"

"No." A huffed sigh from Remus signified that Severus had won this argument.

"Fine," He could feel the sly glance aimed at him and the hairs at the back of Severus' neck stood up at hint of a smirk in Remus' voice. "Sapphire."

Remus was a very sad Remus for the next couple of weeks.

Severus could not wait until the Potter children were enrolled in school. _Revenge _seemed to be a long running theme between him and Potter children.


End file.
